Written by Daphné B.
Losing a loved one is a painful and deeply personal experience that impacts all areas of our lives, including our work. Whether or not we have experienced the grieving process ourselves, it is never easy to know how to support a bereaved person. It can be even harder when they’re a member of our work team. How can we support them while respecting the private nature of their ordeal? According to Véronique Després, Director of Multidisciplinary Services at St. Raphael’s, communication is the key to respectful and effective support. Let’s take a look at the most important considerations for managers when a worker is bereaved.
Respect their privacy
It’s a good idea to communicate with the bereaved person and find out how much information they wish to share with their colleagues. Véronique Després adds, “Explain that you want to respect their wishes and comfort level when it comes to informing others of the situation. Always aim to respect their wishes, their privacy and their pace.”
Be flexible and understanding
Grief is not linear. It can extend over a long period and involve a lot of emotional back-and-forths. When a loved one has an incurable illness, the challenging process of grieving can sometimes begin long before their death. As a manager, it is therefore essential to be flexible when it comes to your bereaved team member’s leave, schedule and workload. If necessary, you can also review the responsibilities connected to their role. “We often take leave when there’s been a death,” Véronique Després notes. “But, after the loss, we find ourselves facing new realities. These may be the logistical aspects of bereavement, like handling the succession, or simply the rollercoaster of emotions we’re on.” A bereaved person may actually need several breaks from work: during the course of their loved one’s illness, at the time of their death and again in the months following the loss. Try to accommodate these needs whenever you can.
Keep listening
It is crucial to remain attentive to the bereaved person, even when they keep a low profile. Don’t be afraid to check in regularly and keep regular and open communication, even if it means repeating yourself. Let them know that your door is open and they can talk to you, but also that they are not obliged to confide in you. Another idea is to provide a quiet space, where people feel safe to take a time out and give free rein to their emotions. Remember that everyone feels sadness, anger and discouragement at some point, and that grief can last a long time. “We tend to support the bereaved immediately after the death,” says Olivia Lévêque, Executive Director at St. Raphael’s, “but the birthdays and holidays in the months that follow are also very difficult and lonely times.” Keen to see the bereaved get back on track quickly, others may unintentionally put pressure on them. Others’ need for them to “be doing better” can add to their distress. Keep in mind that the person may be affected for a long time and grieve for months or even years. So check-in regularly and make sure they feel welcome in their work environment.
Be sensitive to the impact of bereavement at work
Keep an eye on how well the person is able to work with coworkers and clients. Do they feel able to interact with others? Could they have come back to work too soon? “We can also remind them that it’s important to take their time,” Després reminds us. People going through a difficult time are not always able to listen to their bodies and needs, given the extent of the crisis they’re going through. Extra care and attention must be taken to ensure the person does not return to work too soon. Goodwill in this respect can help the bereaved person avoid exhaustion, as well as promote healthy working relationships with everyone involved.
Hold rituals
Organizing a ritual is simple: it could mean observing a minute of silence or lighting a candle, or any other action that makes space for people to reflect and express their sadness. You might like to suggest a ritual with the rest of the team to commemorate the bereaved’s loved one. Another option is to periodically hold an activity for all team members. “At St. Raphael’s, we hold two memorial events for the people who have passed away over the year. We have small paper lotus flowers that we invite families to personalize with the names of their loved ones. We hang these on a frame displayed on our wall,” says Després. A group activity can even be a chance to strengthen the bonds between team members, allowing them to better appreciate the importance of helping and supporting each other. More than that, these meaningful activities help us live with our losses, remember the people we have loved and publicly acknowledge our pain.
Create a sharing space
Sometimes it is beneficial to create a space for sharing. This could be a dedicated time and place where people can open up to each other in a context where they feel safe and trusting. These discussion spaces can be held one-on-one, but also in small groups. At St. Raphael’s, we meet on a monthly basis to discuss the bereavements that affect our team. “We must be respectful, make sure the conversation stays in the meeting, let people talk, be a good listener and offer a non-judgmental space,” Després reminds us. These meetings can result in really lovely moments and meaningful connection. Like rituals, they can create a sense of solidarity and togetherness in the group.
Small acts of kindness
Of course, acts of kindness are wonderful, whether that means sending meals, flowers or a card, or attending the funeral. However, you should check with the bereaved person whether this is in line with their needs and wishes. It is always best to ask and confirm their preferences.
There are many things that managers can do to support a team member who is dealing with the terminal illness or loss of a loved one. No matter how small the gesture, acts of kindness can make a big difference. However, if we want to help, we must never forget to communicate with the bereaved person. Talking to them and asking the right questions will ensure that their needs are met and their wishes respected.
